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Friday, October 31, 2008

why? why am i feeling this way?

why do you always sound like my mom and you ask me why the both of you are saying the same things. do you want me to hate you?

why do you always make me feel like i'm just dragging you down or something? like i'll be the cause of your downfall.

i'm sorry i ate into 1 hour of your time. that's all i can say. i can never measure up to all your other priorities. oh yes i must have been inconsiderate. so maybe it's time to be considerate.

and there i was again, crying even in my sleep.

love you like a sister;
3:53 pm

it feels so familiar it's like practically happening all over again. oh noo... not a pleasant memory. sometimes i don't know what to think about it. i just rely on my tolerance. i hope it gets me through since i kind of dislike confrontations. it's difficult to be in between and trying to remain really neutral. but i guess i've got to.

oh man i feel so warm and feverish. zzzz.

and i love the way you put your arm around me when we look at those lovely house decor magazines :)

oh yah and i'm looking forward to many more fun nights with you guys! my friends all told me you guys were very fun they want to go with you guys next time so ya i'm like a proud mother once again.

love you like a sister;
12:34 am

Monday, October 27, 2008

i have been crying almost everyday. fuck you.

and no, nobody understands. this stupid emotional rollercoaster.

love you like a sister;
5:32 pm

Friday, October 24, 2008

my brain is going to explode. this is probably one of my worst days ever :( i can't explain how much i wish i could just have some peace and be alone. and they never take me seriously. and i'm already trying so hard to make everything right. sigh. and i thought such days were over. why the hell do my parents always think i'm not serious about my school work? i just want to pluck out all my freaking hair and sleep and never wake up. no wonder i'm forever stuck in this abyss of depression.

gosh sometimes i'm really sick of life. and i just feel like saying screw everyone.

love you like a sister;
12:13 am

Saturday, October 18, 2008

omg english essay is so frustrating and english class itself is getting kind of frustrating too. i'm feeling so zzzzz i think i'll leave it for another day.

!%^&$&^%#&

i just feel like swearing. and everytime i see the english journal topic i'm supposed to do every week, i get annoyed.

love you like a sister;
12:16 am

Friday, October 17, 2008

wow i walked past zara yesterday to find a really familiar face and that's when i realised that sasha is the new face of zara omg! i just stood there and wowed at the large photo of her yet again. i felt like a proud mother haha. i don't know what's wrong with me. and if you go to the zara website she's there everywhere! she's my goddess douya she wins your goddess natalia! but i still think nicole's goddess number 13 is the best :D

love you like a sister;
12:24 am

Sunday, October 12, 2008

sigh. over and over again. sometimes i really have no idea what to do :( is there something wrong with me? i told myself to leave you alone for awhile but yet stupid me didn't stick to my own decision. i'm a weakling. why can't i ever put my foot down and stand firmly?

*edit

thanks you two :) you're my darlings to the rescue!

love you like a sister;
5:13 pm

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

i know this is so random but i suddenly gave it some thought and decided to record it somewhere so that maybe i can look back on it in future haha. well to see if my future life partner would actually fit the bill:) hopefully.

for my life partner, i'm looking for not just a lover but also a companion to tide over my toughest days. i'll like someone who's willing to pay extra attention to me and and give me lots of TLC. yes i need affections as well as lots of passion. i'll like someone to look at me everyday properly even after many years to come. someone who doesn't think: what does it feel like with another woman? someone who doesn't think that showing me concern and loving me means buying me lots of things. someone...

do i sound like i expect a lot? what do you look for in a life partner?

will you be that someone for me?

love you like a sister;
1:38 am

Saturday, October 04, 2008

i always hope you didn't hate me for what i did to you. and i'm glad you actually responded rather positively. i was looking at the date on my handphone and that date seemed too familiar until i recalled. douya i'm proud to say i've made a step 1:) i hope it goes well!

a friend once asked me to throw an ultimatum at you. i knew i wouldn't but i didn't even have to do it to get an answer.

can you erase that?

love you like a sister;
4:47 pm

you: all the while i genuinely thought you cared about me. but as every holiday comes and creeps away i'm starting to doubt it. at the beginning we were good. we really were. i stood by you and tried all my ways to cheer you up when you were down and you showed me that you appreciated it but it seems things have changed. has it? or was it me just caring and concerned about you cos naturally i would and you taking it passively? now you're down and i'm here again despite how things were when you left. can we find it back? can you start to care for me again like how you should?

and you: seriously, must you pick on me everyday whatever it's about? even about the fact i went tanning? you have to say things like i'm skinny and dark so ugly. like okay this is my own choice do you have to criticize everything i do?! and it's not like i'm even dark after tanning! i' so angry zzzz. and it's like this part of you that i can't stand, it makes me feel really full of rage every now and then. when you see me watching something online you start scolding me as though i'm supposed to be studying all the time every single minute. i can't even watch any tv now it's ridicuous you're starting all her nonsense again! yes again! i just feel like scolding vulgarities. and you're always hurting me yet each time i always forgive you and take it in my stride. it's no wonder i have such low self-esteem. day in and out i'm always getting put down for every single thing i do and i hate it like hell. i don't even understand. why can't you just let go of stuff and make my life happier? it's like how you keep saying that i'm too thin like as though i'm some walking vulgarity ( i'm not even that thin) like just give me a break okay it's not as if i diet or i don't eat. it's like you just keep pointing out all my imperfections and everything i'm not to me which i alr know. i just knew you cldn't accept who i am but doing it on a constant basis is just too much and i can't do anything about it except forget and let go. why can't you be the one letting go instead? i will never do this in future.

love you like a sister;
12:14 am

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

aaahh omg i'm craving for pizza (i want to try sarpino's and rocky's but i really wouldn't mind timbre), hot devil drumlets ( they are back!), carl's junior, hooters chicken strips and fried pickles, spageddies primo combo etc. can you believe me i'm so greedy and they're all kind of unhealthy.

love you like a sister;
5:36 pm